perpetual failure

ive been putting off writing a blog for the past...since i last wrote a blog.
im not too sure why. i think it had something to do with not wanting to sound like a douche, but shit; its to late for that now, innit.
well. i dont really know where to begin.
so i think i'll start from the middle.
right now crisis has reached breaking point and my sanity has almost left base camp.
lately my body constantly tingles from holding back. holding back on making noise. being expressive & 'putting things out there'
it seems like ive reached the next chapter of my life already. so soon after school's finished. i thought this chapter would begin sometime in january, after all 'festivities' had died down, but apparently, i was wrong. oh so very wrong.
and i was also wrong about how this chapter would begin.
i envisioned that it would go something like this:
"She started the day terribly. she looked & felt like an absolute wreck. She barely made it to the station in time to catch the train to her first interview. She struggled to put on her makeup while the train sped along its way, bumping & jolting. She looked like a clown getting off the train and looked like an even bigger clown as she fell down the steps on her way up to the interview. She scraped her knee and tore her dress and realized, life is gunna be pretty shit from now on."
BUT NO
instead, shit's turning out perfectly!
i mean, sure, i dont currently have a job, so its a bit of a struggle with money, but generally, its all dandy. ive got a family that loves me, ive got a couple of really awesome friends, ive got pretty much all of the materialistic things i need/want & the weather's been getting much better lately, so, why am i currently in a bigger state of depression than i have ever been in?

and no, im not just using the term 'depression' just for the sake of it; im using it out of all sincerity & with technical reasoning.
depression has quite a list of symptoms to it & if you have these symptoms for longer than 2 weeks, you're clinically depressed.
well, its coming into week number 4 now, so i think its a safe diagnosis...

okay. i find it excruciatingly pathetic that im writing all this in a blog for potentially the whole world to see, but considering my lack of views, i dont see how it could affect anybody. ha

ohmy how i could go on forever about this, but eventhough no one will read this, it makes me feel uncomfortable publicly announcing the depths of my self pity.




i dont know what to do anymore.

nagi noda

today, i found out about Nagi Naoda's existance & death
"Nagi died on Sept 7, 2008, at age 35, after surgical complications from injuries sustained in a traffic accident"
that was pretty shattering. i've had this photo of a 'hair hat' in the shape of a bear for quite some time now & just a few hours ago, i found out who the magnificent artist was that created it & also found out that she had directed this video.


i remember seeing this photo years ago in the NGV little catalogue book & it reminded me of this song from the very early 90's that i loved as a kid


anyway, i just wanted to share some photos of her creations




maybe i should go to the formal with hair like that...



x

high school graduate

13 years. thir. teeeeennnn.
my goodness
almost a decade and a half of solid routine. school - home - school - home
ive finished my last exam and never have to attend school ever again.
it feels so liberating, but now i feel so...pointless. like, theres no purpose for me.
its such an awkward feeling
i was home alone for a few hours after i finished my studio art exam this morning (which went freaking swimmingly by the way :D haha) & i just felt so lost. it was weird.
i had so much of nothing to do

so in pursuit of boredom resistance, i went blog reading
and Sherri's blog gave me an idea
write up a list of things i wanna do
so then, i'll have some sort of general direction with what to do with myself until i find out wether im going to go to uni or start work or what.

oh
but before i write up a list, i just needa say
i totally got a letter from this hairdressing college, for an interview!
:D im so excited! and i wanna watch tacky 80's dancing movies now...
haha

okay
now
the list

-learn to bake well. (start off with cupcakes & simple things & work my way up to things so sweet they could kill a diabetic.)
-read the last Gossip Girl book.
-read to kill a mockingbird. fully. without any distractions.
-people watch in the city for at least 4 hours non stop.
-go into Miss Louise dressed up real nice & classy looking, try on every single shoe in the store & then walk out saying i dont think they have anything worth spending my money on. (ha! suck on that, you bastards!)
-eat cereal in the park again
-watch the sky for an entire day
-fall asleep under the stars
-research things for my business
-start my art project on the 1st of January. or else the whole thing is screwed up.
-start a quirky socio-art project with Sherri (she knows the one im talking about)
-watch all of audrey hepburn's movies in a week
-wear a little black dress and tiara, then go to tiffanys in the morning with a coffee & bagel
-wear a little black dress and tiara, then go to the mcdonalds playground and just sit there while little kids run around screaming
-have a picnic!
-throw a costume party
-dress up as a cute panda
-recieve flowers...even if they are from myself.. haha
-GET A CAR!
-GET A JOB!
-GET OUT OF THE STATE! haha lol@how ive never been out of Victoria before.. :/
-wear a backstreet boys top to a metal gig
-wear suspenders
-dress up like a harajuku girl
-sew a sucessful dress
-watch the whole series of sex and the city while drinking cosmopolitans with the girls
-take up photography again



hrm
well
thats all i can think of that i want to achieve in the next few months
when i think of some more, i'll write em up too
:]




x

communicate. visually..

hah
vis comm exam this morning
absolutely hillllllaaariousssss!
zero study
zero failure
i think i did pretty well on it, surprisingly
hah
well, when i get my enter score, it might say otherwise..
but im pleased with how it went & thats all that matters


well
studio art exam tomorrow
only exam im actual caring about
and only exam i want to go to bed before 1am for..
hah



x

pee like Seabiscuit

well well well
today was anti-eventful
heres pretty much how it went down..

woke up at whatever time i did

got dressed & all that, stumbled down the stairs, had a coffee, then went off to my design tech exam.design tech: the subject at school in which the sole focus is designing/creating clothes & business/field research. the image above is part of the research i undertook for my own design tech folio. (i made the dress Sherri is wearing & i took the photo. needless to say, im pretty proud of myself :] hah)

i was worried. i had only gotten a couple of hours of sleep & hadnt studied at allll. well..i studied a bit, but i figured what i studied would be nothing in comparison to what other people did
but as it turned out, i studied adequately. the exam went fairly decently (even if the examiner guy was a massive douchebag)

after the exam, i hung out with sherri & androo. oh wait. Andrew. haha anywhoo, it was nice, just talking about silly things and just relaxing for a little bit.


we all went our seperate ways & my path led me home. i watched Juno with my mum & mygoodness, i think its safe to say that it's made it high into my list of favourite movies already.
i started crying a couple of times throughout it. once or twice from laughter & the other times because...general emotion? hah

is it weird saying this movie almost made me want to be pregnant? yeah. i'm 18. its weird.
i thought about it for a while & realized, as much as i try to deny it, i do eventually want to have a kid. im not sure why i even deny it sometimes. i guess it might have to do with peoples expectations, like, everyone expects the wog girl to just produce babies & be some sort of homemaker. i mean, sure, if i ended up finding a guy that i loved, that made millions, sure, id totally do that whole wog girl stereotype, but realisticly, thats not gunna happen, so i wanna focus on my dreams, like opening my store. ohman. one day im gunna have to write a blog about that itself. might take a couple of days to write.. haha

anyway! Juno! it got me thinking..not only about pregnancy, but also about..

Michael Cera

Michael Cera. ohboy. he's adorable, just in general. but putting my drooling aside, i wonder, where the hell are all the Paulie Bleeker's? okay sure, no girl wants to sleep with a guy then not talk to him much at all during her pregnancy even when she really likes him, but damn. Bleeker is adorable. i just dont understand; when did the innocence of youth die?



well, its getting late & i have another exam tomorrow
ugh. vis comm. it's gunna be torture.
*headdesk*
i'll report back with how the day turned out
hopefully it turns out well...




x

jai guru deva

Words are flying out like endless rain into a paper cup
They slither while they pass. They slip away across the universe.
Pools of sorrow waves of joy are drifting thorough my open mind
Possessing and caressing me

Jai guru deva om
Nothing's gonna change my world

Images of broken light which dance before me like a million eyes
That call me on and on across the universe
Thoughts meander like a restless wind inside a letter box
They tumble blindly as they make their way across the universe

Jai guru deva om
Nothing's gonna change my world

Sounds of laughter shades of life, are ringing through my open ears; Exciting and inviting me
Limitless undying love which shines around me like a million suns
It calls me on and on across the universe

Jai guru deva om
Nothing's gonna change my world


thank you to the beatles
without that song, i might be a little less sane.
and thank you some more to this site for helping me figure out whatthehell 'jai guru deva' meant


i started hitting up youtube before to cheer up a bit
by golly did it help wonders
haha
Props to Matt G for his 'Chubby Bunny' competition video thingy
i laughed so hard i almost choked on my air

i kept searching (gotta love random linking) & found this:
http://ca.youtube.com/watch?v=iFh98pWRGjU




most adorable thing EVER
i just wish he had more videos up

makes me wanna start making some soft toys
or soft felt doughnuts..



haha
theyre deliciously lame, but still theyre wonderful
only downside is, id probably end up feeling hungry in the middle of making them...



x

I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too!

okay
i cant sleep
im sitting in bed, on ebay obsessively trying to find marc jacobs things
i went to Highpoint the other day with mum & we walked past the watches in myer
i saw the marc jacobs watches for the first time in a long time & it made me gasp
i realized why i love this particular necklace/watch:

heart pendant watch
by Marc Jacobs, $125 USD

i realized i love it because it reminds me of the wizard of oz!
haha

it looks like the cuter, more modest version of the Tin Mans heart

damn google for not having a close up sceenshot of the actual heart
but, you get the idea


ahh
i haven't watched the wizard of oz in forever. i wanna take it out & watch it right now, but its almost 1am & ive gotta be up early :/
maybe i should have another one of these..

latte. 3 sugars. yesplease.

anyway!
back to what i was saying. the wizard of oz.
ha
i know i'll never be able to get those wonderful ruby slippers
BUT
my dear Peter Alexander. he's quite the genius
he created these marvelous slippers, so every girl could feel like Dorothy

ruby slippers
by Peter Alexander, $45 AUD

me being the hobo i am, couldnt buy them while hey were in stock/season or whatever
so
if you come accross a pair of them, in say, a size 9 perhaps, you just let me know ;]


g'night kidss



x

baby its cold outside

i sit here sipping my latte listening to Dean Martin & Martina McBride as the wind howls & rain pours outside.
its all the elements of perfection
except
im missing the aesthetics; im not in a spectacularly furnished room with mood lighting & a warm fireplace. im in the tv room watching the credits of breakfast at tiffanys end while on mute.
hardly as romantic as anything thats been going on around me


lately ive been contemplating the subject of romance.
i question its existance every day
when i listen to the rat pack and any other crooners that sung about how they would take care of a girl & wine her & dine her and all that, they just sounded so sincere
nowadays it seems as though all sincerity has been lost
you cant tell wether someone really cares about you and wants to see you happy, or if they're just saying all these things & putting on this show just because they have some sort of hidden agenda.
i guess romance has become strongly interwined with trust now. nobody can trust anybody with their emotions anymore, leaving romance to be completely disabled.
any romantic act seems to be caused by an immoral act
buying flowers = 'i'm cheating on you and can feel the guilt rising'
buying jewelery = "ive been cheating on you for quite some time now and if i dont buy you some love, you'l get suspicious quicker.."
ha
the irony makes me laugh
its such a contradiction.
i know this isnt the case for ALL guys that buy their girlfriends gifts randomly, but it sure as hell seems to be the case for most of you..
as much as i hate to generalize, i just had to air it.


i hate this.
when i get into somewhat of a 'philosophical mood' i end up loosing my train of thought completely & end up just sounding like some pretentious douche.
ha
ohwell. i guess thats just how i dooo

oh and while on the topic of pretentious douches, ive just been reading through some peoples blogger accounts & noticed that everyone sounds smarter 'on paper'. it seems as though so many people can type about things so well, but if they were to talk about the same things in real life, they wouldn't use these 'smart' words & carefully crafted sentences.
i mean, sure, their fake fancy techniques have mass appeal, but they dont reflect who the writer really is.
at least from the way i write, you know that i'm someone who starts off with a semi decent idea, then it gradually disintegrates..
ha

okay
last thing before i leave
speaking of disintergrating
im currently making a little bit of a christmas wish list
and will be not-so-subtly hinting at what i'd like this year haha

"gimmie some sugar that wont disintergrate"
by Fancy, $75 USD

ive wanted that cuff for about 2 years now, so im not sure if they even sell it anymore..
haha


anyway
best be off before i start putting up my wholeeee wish list
haha


x

ohai!

well well, whats a first post to say?
welcome to my blog i guess
i've got no idea how to work this thing, so hopefully i wont type an epic blog to find that i dont know how to save it or something
i pretty much just made this blog because i like to ramble about things & document them, but i hate keeping a diary, so its prolly the best thing for my condition.

its the mid year holidays; my last ever mid year holidays, and im wasting them away.
i need to have done piles and piles of homework, but i havent. im sure i'll get it all done by next weekend, but my procrastination skills might want to get a workout. fingers crossed i get things done

speaking of getting things done, my hair really has to be. i need to re dye it blue. its costing far too much money maintaining blue hair, its ridiculous. but i love it so much! ugh

i made cupcakes yesterday
it was a first. i dont know whats happening; me being all domestic all of a sudden
its almost scary

but this is how it went down:


empty..PING! done!


they almost overflowed to become a massive cake, but my hidden cooking skillz came out and saved the day
those 5 cupcakes in the plate were my favourites
i dont want to eat them because theyre so dang cute haha

actually, i think i might go get one now...

x