perpetual failure

ive been putting off writing a blog for the past...since i last wrote a blog.
im not too sure why. i think it had something to do with not wanting to sound like a douche, but shit; its to late for that now, innit.
well. i dont really know where to begin.
so i think i'll start from the middle.
right now crisis has reached breaking point and my sanity has almost left base camp.
lately my body constantly tingles from holding back. holding back on making noise. being expressive & 'putting things out there'
it seems like ive reached the next chapter of my life already. so soon after school's finished. i thought this chapter would begin sometime in january, after all 'festivities' had died down, but apparently, i was wrong. oh so very wrong.
and i was also wrong about how this chapter would begin.
i envisioned that it would go something like this:
"She started the day terribly. she looked & felt like an absolute wreck. She barely made it to the station in time to catch the train to her first interview. She struggled to put on her makeup while the train sped along its way, bumping & jolting. She looked like a clown getting off the train and looked like an even bigger clown as she fell down the steps on her way up to the interview. She scraped her knee and tore her dress and realized, life is gunna be pretty shit from now on."
BUT NO
instead, shit's turning out perfectly!
i mean, sure, i dont currently have a job, so its a bit of a struggle with money, but generally, its all dandy. ive got a family that loves me, ive got a couple of really awesome friends, ive got pretty much all of the materialistic things i need/want & the weather's been getting much better lately, so, why am i currently in a bigger state of depression than i have ever been in?

and no, im not just using the term 'depression' just for the sake of it; im using it out of all sincerity & with technical reasoning.
depression has quite a list of symptoms to it & if you have these symptoms for longer than 2 weeks, you're clinically depressed.
well, its coming into week number 4 now, so i think its a safe diagnosis...

okay. i find it excruciatingly pathetic that im writing all this in a blog for potentially the whole world to see, but considering my lack of views, i dont see how it could affect anybody. ha

ohmy how i could go on forever about this, but eventhough no one will read this, it makes me feel uncomfortable publicly announcing the depths of my self pity.




i dont know what to do anymore.